In case you were wondering, Herb, Beck and Katie Austin are my Ocs from the movie within my RoA universe dubbed “Stinksville, USA”. They are my original characters. Dare steal them and you'll be sorry!
Herb Austin: You know what's awesome? The Dark Crystal! But you know what sucks?
Katie Austin: Ummm....Full House?
Herb Austin: No pumpkin, I mean in storytelling.
Beck Austin: I know! Mary Sues and Gary Stus!
Herb Austin: Bingo!
Katie Austin: Ummm...what's a Mary Sue Daddy?
Herb Austin: Hoo boy....where to start...
Beck Austin: You see Kate, a Mary Sue or Gary Stu is these three things:
1) A character without flaws.
2) A character with unrealistic and/or hypocritical flaws that frequently contradict each other.
3) A character that is an idealized self insert of the creator.
Katie Austin: Ah, okay.
Herb Austin: Well, anyways, we're about to chew up and spit out a really awful fanfic based on a really awesome movie. Well....here it goes (shudders in disgust).
Herb Austin: A tribute to who? Stephenie Meyer?
Beck Austin: EL James?
Katie Austin: Ummm...my mom?
I don't own Dark Crystal or any related characters, they are proper property of Jim Henson *God rest his weary soul*
Beck Austin: Noooo, that's Jim Henson screaming in terror in the afterlife.
The only character I own is Yuri and Sakura. If you even think about taking them, you will have my scepter in your mouth and down your throat before you can blink your eyes three times fast *cute grin*
Katie Austin: Yuri and Sakura? Who would name their characters those names? And why does she want us to swallow her scepter while blinking three times fast.
Beck Austin: I think you can do it Kate. You have a future career in a carnival freak show!
Herb Austin: Stop it Beck!
Katie Austin: At least I'm not a basement dweller like you Beck.
With that said and done, I command the story to begin
*trumpets play as the princess smiles, very pleased*
Herb, Katie and Beck Austin: (singing) Zoot suit riot...throw back a bottle of beer....Zoot suit riot....Pull a comb through your coal black hair!
Part 1) The Cycle
Beck Austin: (as the author) Hi, I'm Princess Lemon, and I am a broken record!
Life on the humble planet changed when eight stars came from the sky and it was followed the next day by the apperance of two new creatures.
Herb Austin: My in-laws and the bumpkins of Stinksville, Arkansas!
The gentle Uru and the evil Skesis.
Katie Austin: Is that how you spell it? U-R-R and S-K-E-S-I-S?
Herb Austin: No honey cakes. This author seemed to have failed the spelling bee competition one too many times.
Katie Austin: Oh, okay. Hooray! Someone who's a worse speller than I am. I feel better!
The Uru were willing to learn and add tod to their new surroundings while the Skesis just pick up where they left off on Thar and tried to change the land to suit them.
Katie Austin: Thor? The superhero Thor is in this fanfic? Shouldn't he be in the comics?
Beck Austin: No, I think she meant Thra Raggedy Ann.
Katie Austin: Thra? Is that a type of cheese, Fuzz Face.
Beck Austin: No, Ginger Spice. Thra is the fictional world where The Dark Crystal takes place.
Katie Austin: Oh, okay. Makes sense....I guess.
Time and patience allowed them to make use of metals and crystals on the planet to resume their own way of life and power as they created new Garthum and Crystal Bats to seak out their slaves as they experimented with new ways to keep their youth and cheat death with the aid of some of the locals.
Herb Austin: My dim-witted wife's hillbilly relatives are in cahoots with the Skeksis? I think we've entered hell on earth kids.
Katie and Beck Austin: NOOOOOOOO! Not Mom's relatives! Why god why?
Yet for one village in the North, life was different.
Herb Austin: You see, the North is full of crazy Sourdough dolts.
Ten years priar, the elders went up to the mountains and sought out the dark castle....
Herb Austin: NOOOOOO! Not Dark Castle! I hate that game! It's THE worst game on the Sega Genesis!
Beck Austin: I think they mean the Skeksis castle, but yeah, Dark Castle is one sucky video game.
the Skesis new home. After a day's passing, the elders returned with news that a pact had been made. The Skesis would keep all Garthum from attacking the village in exchange for a tribute.
Katie Austin: Noooo! Is this going to be like that one novel, that was, you know, based on a Twilight fanfic? What was it called...Hmmm...
Beck Austin: Do you really want to know Raggedy Ann?
Katie Austin: Naw! I just stopped caring.
That night, the night of the new moon, ten people went up to the castle. Five men and five women. They went up there willingly and most likely became slaves, though rumors often said otherwise.
Herb Austin: They became Human MacNoggets for the Skeksis to munch on!
After that, a new person would be sent up during the night of the new moon. Three days before hand, one of the bats would make itself known and present an simple necklace....
Beck Austin: “An simple necklace”? Seriously? SERIOUSLY.
Herb Austin: I bet my darling pumpkin could write a better fanfic that this. Hell, even our dog, Bourbon, can write a better fanfic, and he has no opposable thumbs.
to the one the Skesis wanted that month. On the night of the new moon, they were to be escorted by two Garthum to the castle, never to be seen again.
Herb Austin: Off to the abattoir with you kids!
For Sakura, this was life in her village...and she hated it.
Katie Austin: Yeah, I mean, if my fellow villagers were to become Human MacNoggets, I'd hate being in my village too.
Sure, her village was safe.
Beck Austin: Safe? You call this place safe?
Katie Austin: At least it's safer than Hee-Haw world...oops...I mean...Billy Bob's Bungalow: The Disney World of the south.
Herb Austin: Hey, don't diss Billy Bob's Bungalow. At least it's a more affordable alternative to Disney World.
Beck Austin: Yeah, a Disney world for the brain dead backwood dolts.
But it was like they had sold their souls to a pack of demons just to live in a false sense of peace. Though this planet had two suns, it had only one moon. This hunk of rock orbited the planet in an lazy egg shapped
Herb Austin: Shapped....SHAPPED? Did Stephenie Meyer write this or what?
….orbit and it would take at least two months for a new moon to occur while the planet's orbit matched our own around the larger of the two suns. Thus, it was natural that the village would fill with a sense of agitation an dread as the first night of the new moon drew closer. Sakura felt highly uncomfortable with this as it made the village feel as if someone had packed it full of blankets and it made it hard for her to breath.
Katie Austin: (as Sakura) Help! My mommy is smothering me! ACK!
So, more often than not, she'd leave the village and head for the security of the forest. It wasn't untill she saw the Crystal Bat that she'd chase after it and stay by her parents as it sought out the next person to make ready to leave for the castle.
Katie Austin: (As Sakura) Oh look, a crystal bat! Let me get a butterfly net!
Beck Austin: It's a CRYSTAL BAT. You don't catch bats with butterfly nets. They'll eat right through it!
Sakura would then stay with the chossen one, comforting them as best she could as the Crystal Bat would stay and watch over the chossen one.
Beck Austin: (As Sakura) There there....there there....
Katie Austin: (As Sakura) Ha ha, at least it's better them than me, right? Um.... Right?
In past times, the bat would have left right after delivering the necklace. Yet, there was one time three years after the pact that a stupid young man panicked and tried to escape his fate by running...he failed.
He was caught by the Garthum and taken right up the castle that very same day as everyone could hear him screaming for his release.
Herb Austin: Screaming for release? Hell, he's screaming for joy, since he doesn't have to be in this fanfic anymore.
The next new moon, the tribute went off without a hitch...but the bat stayed and a voice came from it, warning that the pact would be broken if the chossen ones tried to escape.
Herb Austin: And us readers wouldn't have to suffer anymore.
Sakura was six when the pact was made and the tributes began, ten years had passed and she grown into a lovely woman.
Katie Austin: Yeah, if you're into the jail-bait type.
Five feet and five inches tall with a lithe athletic figure. Flawless pale pink skin that resembled the silky soft petals of the cherry blossoms which grew near the village,
Herb, Katie and Beck Austin: NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE PURPLE PROSE!
shoulder length chestnut brown hair that curled up on the ends, bright blue eyes fanned by black lashes that curled up and delicate bone structure.
Katie Austin: Hmmm...she sounds and look familiar....but where have I seen her.....
Beck Austin: Sounds like a Bella Swan to me.
Katie Austin: Bella who? Did she go to our school.
Herb and Beck Austin: Oy vey! (both face-palm)
Sakura was good natured and well loved by everyone in the village as she was friends with nearly everyone. Though she did most things common for womean her age to do, she was also an accomplished athlete and participated in all the summer games in honor of her ancestors. She was also great with children and her singing voice was said to rival that of the local song birds.
Herb Austin: (cough) Mary Sue!(cough!)
It was only natural that the boys she had grown up with where starting to see her a woman and future wife, so they paid new attention to her. Even so, Sakura felt that she wasn't ready for marrage and held them off as best she could.
Katie Austin: (as Sakura) You see, human men aren't good enough for me.
Beck Austin: (as Sakura) I want a whole hot harem of Ken dolls posing as so-called “monsters”.
Yet that was the furthest thing from her mind this night. Sakura was once more back out in the forest, against the wishes of her parents. They didn't want her being out alone at night, now that she was of courting age. Even so, she knew nothing bad would happen. Nothing bad ever happened while she was out in the woods, it was as if she was being protected by some higher force.
Katie Austin: Watch out Sakura Sue! Freddy Kruger is in the woods!
Beck Austin: No Ketchup head! It's Jason Voorhees in the woods. Freddy Kruger only kills you while your sleeping.
Katie Austin: Ah...heh heh. (looks over at her dad Herb) Make coffee daddy! I'm going to stay awake all night.
Herb Austin: (sighs in disgust) Humph! Yes princess. Starting in the morning!
At times, she felt this same force kept her from being picked, and they made her feel guilty. That's why she stayed with the chossen on, out of guilt. Yet fear kept her wishing that she'd never be chossen. Fear brought on by simple stories she heard about the Skesis and similar vile creatures that plagued a child's dreams with nightmares.
Katie Austin: Will those Skeksis things kill Mary Sue in her sleep?
Beck Austin: Humph! I wish! That would make this story much more awesome.
So, here she was. Back out in the saftey and seclusion of the forest as she made her way towards the patch of trees that she was named after. Seeing as how the thin crescent moon had barely enough light to guide her way, so she carried with her a brass latern which held a simple crystal that illuminated itself from having soaked up the light from the two suns that day. Though it was normal in the village to wear an arrayment of garments (depending on what one was doing) Sakura was girly and favored something with a skirt herself.
Herb Austin: (As Sakura) I like mini skirts and hot pants the most.
In the past, she had taken a habit of wearing pants and long sleved shirts when she went into the woods like this, so as to protect her skin from thorns and bugs. Cloths that were dyed in various shades of greens and browns so as to hide her better in the woods.
Beck Austin: Who does Sakura think she is? Solid Snake?
This night was different. Forskaing her camoflauging colors, she wore her favourite pale pink yukata with the cherry blosoms threaded into the fabric and a white obi with butterflys. Though vibrant in color, the outfit was still very simple due to the fact that it was made out of cotton.....
Herb Austin: (As Sakura) And it even has a pretty sparkly pink cotton panel in side to keep my ummmm....goodies....Yeah that right, goodies.
and it didn't have the wide sleves at the wrists like her festival yukatas did. Even so, it was her favourite outfit and she couldn't stop herself from putting it on in addition to her emerald green hooded cloak.
Katie Nash: God, that girl has no fashion sense. Even Urkel had a better wardrobe than this Mary Sue slut.
While part of her was scolding her for wearing the outfit into the woods, part of her felt special for doing so. That feeling crowded out the scoldings of her consious as she soon found the trees she was looking for. Once at her destination, she closed the cover on the lantern and placed it down on a nearby rock before she removed her cloak and then settled herself down on the ground under a blossoming tree and looked up at the moon through the branches.
Beck Austin: NOOOOOOOO! Damn the purple prose!
Herb Austin: It could be worse kids....
Beck Austin: How? How the hell can this be worse.
Herb Austin: It could be one of those vile and repulsive feeder and gainer romance stories.
Katie and Beck Austin: (shudders) If we wanted that, we'd see our grandparents sex tapes.
Herb Austin: (shudders) Ew, thanks kids, you put pictures in my head....pictures that will haunt my nightmares!
Though the moonlight was weak, it still gave her skin a radiant glow in the warm air of the summer night. Sakura loved it here, she felt safer here than she did her own home. So a faint smile painted itself on her lips as she continued to stare up at the crescent moon.
Herb Austin: Well, I feel safer in a forest than I do my own home too. At least you don't have to deal with giant mutant mother in laws out in the woods.
All the while, Sakura was so entranced by even this little peice of moon that she didn't sense the approach of a figure that happen to see her own figure under the tree. Holding back an inquizitive hum, the figure decided it was best to keep quiet and approach this figure for a better look.
Beck Nash: It's The Creeper from Jeepers Creeper! Behead that Mary Sue skank Mr. Creeper!
Yet, not looking where they were going only rewarded him with his right foot stepping onto an very dried up twig that let out a loud snap. At the same time, the two gasped in surprise as he froze in place and she whirled around to see who it was, her loose hair swinging around her head like a sort of bronze cloak. For the next couple of heart beats, the two stared at each other.
Herb Austin: And then they glared and growled seductively, while grimacing, and blushing!
The humanoid girl and the skesis.
Beck Austin: (As the Skeksis) ACK! Help me! It's a Mary Sue! Mary Sues are worse than Gelflings!
Sakura was the first to move, as she hastily got up and made ready to leave. Her movements snapped him out of the trance and he quickly held up his hands peacefully and said...
"Wait! Please, wait."
Herb Austin: (As the Skeksis) Hmmmm....come with me little lady. I have candy! And perhaps a few condoms as well.
Sakura stopped in her tracks and looked back him, surprised at the high pitched tone to his voice and unsure as to why she had stopped. Somehshe she had thought his voice would have been deeper, more frightening. Even so, she still kept her distance by staying right where she was.
Katie Austin: Did that Skeksis thing get neutered or something?
Beck Austin: No, I think that's SkekSil the Chamberlain.
Katie Austin: SkekSil? Is that like Beanie and Cecil? I like that duo.
Beck Austin: (facepalms) Ugh! Katie, your ditzyiness knows no boundaries.
"I don't want to harm you," he said, holding up his hands peacefully.
"But, you're Skesis," she stated quite a affirmativly.
" I a I am," he said as he nodded affirmativally.
Herb Austin: (As the Skeksis) But I'm stuck in a Mary Sue fanfic.
She raised an eyebrow, obviously confussed, "What are you doing here? Usually you have us come to you."
Katie Austin: (as the Skeksis) I was bored at my place. Hey, let's make sweet love here.
It was his turn to raise an eyebrow when he remembered the pact that had been made with a village. He knew now that he was near it and she was from it, and by the looks of the moon another one of her people...even possibly her...would be chossen as the next tribute and newest slave.
Beck Austin: (as the Skeksis) So, wanna get laid with me chickey babe!?
"I was...banished," the skesis said, rather uncomfortably and undoubtly embarassed.
She was surprised when she heard this and her curiosty had been bitten, "What for?"
Herb Austin: (as the Skeksis) Well, ummm.... I made a bet...I put the sleeping Emperor's hand in hot water. He ended up wetting the bed while his hand was soaking. He woke up... I got caught... and right there.... He kicked my ass and threw me out.
"I made a mistake," he said as he approached Sakura and he was glad that she didn't run like a startled deer, "And it costed me my position."
Katie Austin: (as Sakura) Well then, you shouldn't have made such a bogus bet.
He stopped just short of three feet from Sakura.
"I'm sorry to heat that," Sakura said.
Katie Austin: (As Sakura) NOOOOOOOOT!
"As am I," he said. The two then stood there and stared at each other as the silence grew to an uncomfortable. Finally, Sakura shattered the silence she she cleared her throat as she darted her eyes momentarily and brushed some of her hair out of her face.
Herb Austin: DO SOMETHING ALREADY!
"My name's Sakura," she said.
Beck Austin: (as Sakura) No, my name is really Bella Marie Swan Cullen.
Katie Austin: Who the hell is this Bella Swan bimbo?
Beck Austin: Ummm...you see....er....
Herb Austin: Don't Ask! I think you're better off not knowing who that skank is Pumpkin.
"Chamberlan," the Skeksis said.
Sakura raised an eyebrow at this, "That's an odd name."
Beck Austin: Hell, it could be worse. It could be Peeta or Gale.
"It's more of a title than a name."
"I see," she said and she began to sit down.
Katie Austin: (As Sakura) Tee hee hee, so what's your real name Mr. Skeksis monster?
Beck Austin: (As the Chamberlain) Mmmmmm....that's for me to know and you to find out my pretty.
"You're staying?" Chamberlain asked.
"Yes, I'm more comfortable out here."
"You are?" he asked as he sat down near her and she nodded.
"Why?" he asked and she let out a heavy sigh.
Katie Austin: (As Sakura) Because you don't have to deal with a giant, two ton, mutant Grandma who causes earthquakes by dancing up a jig. Imagine being in that sort of tragic situation Mr Skeksis.
"You see the moon up there?" Sakura asked as she pointed at the thin creasent moon.
"The thiner that moon gets, the more everyone in town changes."
Herb Austin: (As Sakura) The town is either full of vampires or werewolves, so when the sun is down, things change.
Beck Austin: (As the Chamberlain) Yeech! Now I either have to be into necrophilia or bestiality. Look what you made me do Sakura!
"Yes, they becogitagitated
Katie Austin: What the hell does becogitagitated mean? I never heard a word like that in my life.
Herb Austin: Now this author is obviously lying about her age to post on adult fan fic sites. Adults wouldn't have to make up such nonsensical words like that.
…..when it gets closer to no moon. They have no clue who's going to be chossen, who they're going to have say goodbye to for the last time. That makes this...tension, grow in the village. It grows to the point that it makes the air feel as if it turned to stone and I feel as if I can't breath," Sakura said as she wrapped her arms around her self. Chamberlain frowned as he noticed uncomfortable she was becoming and began to wonder if was such a good idea to ask her that question.
Herb Austin: No, the Skeksis is just bored of her conversation. I would be too if I had to deal with a jail bait chicken.
"So, I come out here," Sakura said as she began to relax, "Out here, there's no one but me to worry about what's to come. Out here, I'm at peace," Sakura said with a soft smile. At that same moment, a soft wind began to blow towards them. It blew into Sakura's face and she closed her eyes as she turned her face into the wind. As the wind blew her hair around, Chamberlain couldn't help but watch her. It was as if he was entranced by her all over again. When he first saw her, he thought she some sort of spirit. Yet now that he was this close to her, he couldn't shake this nagging feeling that he had seen her before...but from where was the question.
Katie and Beck Austin: NOOOOOOO! Snap out of it Chamberlain. She's casting a Mary Sue mind control spell on you!
Herb Austin: Get out of there now Chamberlain! You'll become completely out of character from here on!
"Because of that, I stay out here untill it's over with," Sakura said as the wind died and she broke the spell.
Katie Austin: (as Sakura) Heh heh, my Sue-per powers always work on mere puny monsters! Mwa ha ha ha!
"The anxiety. Once that flying...thing appears and drops the necklace, the anxiety is washed away. After that, I stay with the chossen one untill it's time for them to leave."
Herb Nash (as the Chamberlain): Mmmmmm....you really need to get hobbies of your own girl. Ever heard of table top games...strip poker....drinking games....? Ah! Forget it!
Chamberlain raised an eyebrow when he heard this, "Why?"
Katie Austin: (as Sakura) What is this? Twenty freakin' questions?
Sakura grew quiet and tensed up again. Chamberlain noted this as he remembered the stories he heard of a girl who always stayed with the chossen one. He thought it was just a rumor, even when he was able to keep watch over the chossen one one time. Yet here she was, living and breathing. Interested, Chamberlain changed the conversation as he sets out to learn all that he can about her by asking her as many questions as she feels comfortable with. At the same time, Sakura takes this time ask questions that have plagued her since the pact was made and many of his answers blow away many of the things she was told.
Katie Austin: What did he tell her?
Beck Austin: Ah yes my friends, this is an example of telling and not showing when it comes to storytelling.
As the night passed, the two continued to talk up untill the point that Sakura could no longer keep her eyes open. As Chamberlain promised to watch over her, Sakura laid down right where she was. With the branches of the tree over her and the long grass below her as a suitable bed, she soon feel asleep and escaped to the blissful realm of dreams as Chamberlan watched her. Though entranced, his mind was working out a way how to get her to the castle with him...but he first had to reinstate himself...
Beck Austin: (As the Chamberlain) That does it, I'm outta here! Sakura Sue is starting to bore me.
Herb, Katie and Beck Austin: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Herb Austin: That does it. I'd rather have sex with my nagging wife Maggie, anyways...(shudders)
Beck Austin: So long! We'll see you again in chapter two.
Katie Austin: Wait, there's a chapter two?